“I was skeptical, I wanted to be saved, but I was unwilling to admit that I was a sinner”
I was brought up in a Christian home, and from my childhood, I understood that I was a sinner, not only when disobedient, but by my very nature, and I needed to be saved from my sin. Sin’s consequences frightened me, and I did not understand the value that was found in the work of the Lord Jesus Christ. I understood the seriousness of sin and the need for it to be dealt with, but I did not fully appreciate the gravity of the matter.
As early as I can remember I went to the Victoria Drive Sunday School and I grew up with a variety of friends. Everyone had a different background, some were poor, others were rich. Some had a Christian background; some didn’t know what a Bible was. Some were nice, and others were terribly behaved, and yet I was told that even those that were the very worst could be saved and know their sins forgiven. God’s grace in my mind was unreal, it was too good to be true. Heaven for all of eternity if only I believed. I was skeptical, I wanted to be saved, but I was unwilling to admit that I was a sinner.
I was brought to gospel meetings as a child, every Sunday night, where a couple of men would preach for an hour about sin and God’s way of salvation. Sometimes I would be brought to a series of gospel meetings where every night we would go to hear the gospel. I’ll admit that I did not enjoy going to these meetings, I hated it. I hated hearing of my sin, and even more how much God loved me that he sent the Lord Jesus to die for me. I acted like the best Sunday School student, but my heart was rebellious. I wanted to enjoy my sin, but every gospel meeting I felt the conviction of that sin.
In the spring of 2003 a gospel series started, and every night my mother would rush my siblings to the meeting whether we wanted to go or not. Fortunately this time I went with friends from the Sunday School so at least we could hang out for a few minutes before and after the meeting. On the way to one meeting my father told me that he was worried I might never get saved at all. I had always assumed that one day I would get saved, but now I saw the doubt in my father. He wanted me to be saved more than I wanted, and if my father had lost hope for me, what hope was there? So I began to listen intently every night.
On May 13th, my sister told me that Jack Zhang, a Sunday School friend who was coming to every gospel meeting, but had heard the gospel much less than me, had trusted Christ. I was terribly confused and frustrated. I knew the gospel far better than he did, I had been to far more meetings than he had, yet he was saved and I was not.
I began to wonder if it was possible for me to be saved, or if I would have to go to Hell. On May 16th, 2003 I was determined to be saved and wanted it greatly. I listened to the gospel that night with everything I had, but nothing happened and I felt utterly lost. A hymn was sung – “It was for me, yes all for me,” etc. But still there was nothing.
After the meeting, one preacher asked me if I wanted to be saved, and I said yes. He showed me verses and then explained that Jesus Christ, beyond His physical suffering, had taken God’s judgment for my sins so I wouldn’t have to go to Hell. On the way home, thinking of the hymn we had sung, I simply trusted that Christ had died for me, it was enough, and I was saved.